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At a Crossroads
... Not Quite Sure Where to Go
silly
contemplativeI don't think so. I'm a patriotic person.Raised by my parents and grandparents to be proud of my country. My uncle is a career Marine, and my own brother served 2 tours in Iraq. I love where I come from, and honestly, would never leave here for more than a vacation.
Nevertheless, the world does not revolve around me, and I love to learn about other cultures and people. The Olympics is a perfect opportunity to do just that. One World. One Dream. Right?
Anybody else feel the same?
sadDo we ever really know anybody? Are people a certain way, but we simply choose to ignore that about them, because we want to like them? Because we are so insecure about ourselves that we settle for friends that are not fun to spend time with, but are there anytime we don't have better things to do? Maybe it's just me.
I ask this because I ran into my old friend Corinne yesterday afternoon. Long story short, we were once extremely close, but when I was going through my rough patches with Jon, seeking help, she turned her back on me. She had wanted me to break it off right away, but I was still hoping my marriage would work out. She didn't appreciate the fact that I didn't take her advice, and she began to avoid me. And avoid me. And yes, avoid me. Needless to say, I'm divorced, she was right, and yet, we barely speak anymore. In fact, we didn't talk at all for close to two years. Then about six months ago, we ran into each other at a mutual friend's, and she acted like nothing was wrong. She even claimed that she thought I was angry with her. Sure, for twelve years, we were inseparable, spoke four times a week, and while my life was crumbling, she never once picked up the phone.
In all this self-pity, I'm writing because each time I see her now, she's bitching. Basically about everything. The weather is too hot. She needs new clothes. She doesn't get paid enough. Everybody's too sensitive.
Has she always been this way? Or did she become so bitter and nasty over the time that we haven't spoken? Was I so desperate and needy that I imagined this fun and friendly woman, to spend hours laughing with, instead of addressing my own real problems? Was I hoping that what others thought were just their own jealousy over how close we were? Was I completely blind?
And most importantly, has this happened to anybody else?
Well, I spent the night cruising the web and came upon LiveJournal, while reading somebody else's. Can't you tell how boring my life has been lately that I was reading the thoughts of a complete stranger at 2:00am? Well, she was interesting enough to post a survey that seems to wrap up anything else I would say to open my journal. If you last all the way through, please feel free to comment:LONGEST SURVEY EVER About you: First name:: Susan Birht place:: South Attleboro, MA Current location:: Cross-legged on the bed, watching Fri's eppy of DOOL Hair color:: Brown eye color:: Brown Birthday:: September 17th Age:: 34 Style:: Basic Religion:: Christian Hobbies:: watching classic black/white movies, listening to country jazz and folksy pop music, cooking, finally getting fit and healthy, ballroom dancing, photography, scrapbooking, watching football and baseball, and writing moderately good poetry. Middle Initial:: M Height:: 5'2" do you like school?: I did. Are you going to college?: No Favorites food:: Bacon cheeseburgers music:: Country person:: My mom color:: Red subject:: Political science place:: The Beach State:: Massachusetts famiy member:: Mom and the babies time of year:: Fall friend:: Kelly Holiday:: Christmas Singer:: Brad Paisley Animal: Turtle Football Team:: Packers and Steelers Relationships: Your longest?: 6 years shortest?: 3 months Best kisser?: Jon Worst kisser?: Nick Favorite date?: Crabcakes and chowder at Oakland Beach Where did you meet the longest?: Church the shortest?: Church Do you like being single or taken better?: Relationship, but I'm working on it Worst fear in a relationship?: Not being enough Best feeling?: The night Drew was born Believe in love at first sight?: Yes How about the "one"?: Yes Have you ever cheated?: No Would you do it again?: n/a This or that: Chocolate or vanilla:: Chocolate Up or down:: Up Right or left:: Right Girl or boy:: Boy Pink or blue:: Blue McDonalds ofr Taco Bell:: McDonalds Food Lion or Farm Fresh:: Neither Wal Mart or K Mart:: Walmart Monday or Friday:: Friday. Cars or Trucks:: Trucks Dogs or Cats:: Dogs Jeans or Sweat pants:: Jeans Britney or Christina:: Christina can sing Omarion or Marques Houston:: Neither Finish the sentence I want to: love again, wholeheartedly, like when I first met Jon I miss: Heather and Paula I love: my family more than they truly know I wish I could: turn my life off for a few weeks, just to catch my breath and figure some stuff out. Lets look at the: the brown sweater that's been hanging off the bed for the last few days. That is such a beautiful: bottle for such cheap perfume You and I are: probably total strangers You're my: break from real life. He is: the most adorable man on television. My best friend is: Kelly It smells like: laundry detergent There is so much: clutter in this bedroom that I need to box and sell in a garage sale. I am so tired of: being this damn lonely. If i could change one thing about my life I would: get the hell out of my job, for now. Have you ever Been inlove?: Yes. Been in jail?: No Fallen for your friends love?: Fallen in love with a friend, yes. Fallen in love with my friend's man, no. Been heart broken?: Absolutely. Lost someone you thought was the "one"?: Yes Wanted to truly kill someone?: Beat them, yes. End their life, no. Wished you were someone else?: Oh yeah. Lied to stay out of trouble?: Yes. Helped someone knowing you'd be in trouble?: Yes Thought about breaking up with someone for someone else?: No. Wished you could go back in time?: Yes. Smoked?: No Been drunk?: No, not really Done drugs?: No been called a tease?: No been beaten up?: No. Eaten sushi?: No Gotten a swirly?: No. lied to a cop?: No. Thrown up in school?: No laughed so hard stuff came out your nose ?: No laughed so hard you cried?: Yes. eaten caviar?: No Skipped school?: Yes. Slept outside?: Yes. Ran away?: Yes. Been rejected?: Yes. Lost a good friend?: Yes. Cried in school?: Yes. Do you: Swear:: more than I should Smoke: no go to church: yes lie: not if I can help it. Drink: occasionally Sing in the showeer: sure Dance: absolutely Get along with your parents: Yes. Have a lot of friends: no, but those I do matter like this survey: yep have a journal: I do now. talk on the phone a lot: I work at a call center and live in the same state as everybody I know - yes have a love: not right now play sports: badly. Can you cross your eyes?: don't even try touch your nose with your tongue?: No. balance a book on your head?: Yes. Lie without laughing?: probably Talk and walk at the same time?: um, yeah Sing good?: well, yeah, but it's not my greatest talent Write poems?: Yes. Multi-task?: ofcourse Whistle?: Yes. Blow a bubble?: Yes. Roll your tongue?: Yes. Curl your toes?: Yes. do the splits?: no write with both hands?: No. The last person you: Touched:: my mom Talked to:: my dad Kissed:: my mom Hugged:: my mom Fell Inlove with:: Jon Slept with:: Jon Lied to:: Sylvia Sang to:: Emalee Hung out with:: Kelly wanted to hang out with:: Keith and Crystal Stood up for:: Matt Wanted to kiss:: Jeremy Wanted to be with:: Jeremy Wanted to see:: Jeremy Do you believe in: Santa:: no The easter bunny:: No. love:: yes God:: Yes. Jesus:: Yes. Satan:: Yes. Magic:: no Ghosts:: no Evolution:: no Best friends:: Yes. Enemies:: no Actually hating someone:: no Loving someone too much:: no The"one":: yes Your perfect match would look like Height: 5'9" - 6'0" Weight: 180 - 230 lbs Style: blue-collar Color: doesn't really matter Age: 33 - 36 Hair: dark Eyes: probably dark, but there's really no preference Quiet or loud: loud Little or big eyes: big eyes Smart or dumb: Smart. With or without common sense: with Naggy or laid back: laid back Funny or Serious: funny Loveable or bratty:: lovable Are you: Tired: Yes. Fed up: yes Bothered: yes Sad: yes Angry: yes Happy: no Mad: well, yeah, pretty much Confused: at the moment, no, but in general, yes. Slow: no Smart: yes Acting like a blonde: no Emo: what is that? emotional? Pretty: I'm Jane Average - Pretty eyes and smile, working on my figure, hate my voice and my legs will always be too short. Gangster: no Preppy:: maybe Nice:: I try to be A loser:: I'm feeling that way lately. Bratty:: I'm certainly set in my ways. Lazy:: no Confused about life:: yes Hurt:: still, yes Handicapped:: no Under the weather:: Yes. A health freak:: now, yes Lonely:: yes Alone:: yes Homesick when you leave home:: no Wondering why this is so long:: no, not really Wishing it was over?: sure More Favorites Boy name: Jacob Girl name: Lily Candy: M&Ms Cheese: Monterey Pepper Jack Veggy: Quite a few Fruit: Green apples, grapes, mangoes, bananas Pizza: hamburg or chicken Cake: Carrot Book: Refining Felicity by Marion Crittenden Movie: The Princess Bride Magazine: Real Simple Website: Forbidden Love --- http://samiandej.belvederepoets.com/ Show: Brother&Sisters / Psych Channel: SOAPnet Right now what are you Wearing:: Black tank and black running pants with pink and white stripes down the legs Thinking about:: Getting another cup of tea, now that I have to go to the bathroom again. Doing:: Well, the DVR shut off, so the OLTL marathon is on, but I'm not watching it Listening to: cheap commercials and beeping horns outside the window Scared of: starting yet another long work week wondering: when my tax refund is coming in wishing could happen: something new wanting to do: to relax while watching a great movie hoping for: less drama this week eating: Nothing. drinking: tea sitting on: my bed using to type with a cpu or a lap top?: laptop - gateway doing after this survey?: checking out FL Future: Job:: somewhere I feel valued College:: if I get the chance to go back, Bridgewater Husband:: hopefully, the love of my life How many kids:: four Names of the boys:: Jacob and Elijah Name of the girls:: Lily and Ava State you'll live in:: Somewhere down south - from Virginia to Georgia House you want:: Victorian Money you make:: enough to have financial peace Animals you have:: two dogs Job your husband will probably have:: self-employed somehow Private home or public school for the kids:: Christian schools Car:: another Jeep Will gov't change?: probably so Friends Funniest:: Keith loudest:: Larry quietest:: Stephanie best:: Kelly worst:: Karina Smartest:: Paula Dumbest:: Fil Shortest:: Paula Tallest:: John Weirdest:: Nick Hottest:: John Slowest:: Fil Most important:: Kelly worst secret keeper:: John Best secret keeper: Crystal Most honest: Samantha Least honest: I can't trust liars Most religious: many, not for me to judge their private spiritual lives Least religious: Matt Most Secretive: Melanie which one do you see the most?: Kelly the least?: Karina whih one(s) have you known the longest?: Kelly Have you ever dated a friend?: Yes. Have you ever kissed "just a friend"?: Yes. Ever lost a friend?: Yes. What happened?: We eventually got divorced Do you regret it?: The divorce, no, unfortunately. The loss of the one great love of my life, absolutely. What you could do if you could change it?: I could have saved myself pain, but I would need to surrender the good times too. Instead, I just wish I had realized that the end was already there, and that I had stopped fighting it earlier. Crushes Where/when did you meet your first crush?: He was the cute boy next door who used to watch us after school before my Mom came home - I was in 3rd grade. He was in 6th. You have one now?: no 1st celebrity crush was?: Ricky Stratton from "Silver Spoons" Biggest turn on?: sincerity, intelligence, and a great sense of humor Biggest turn off?: prejudice or ignorance of any kind Most noticeable thing about the opposite sex?: eyes and smile Most annoying thing about the opposite sex?: lack of sensitivity On a scale of 1-10 how romantic are you?: 9, easy Do you spend a lot of money on dates?: No. Would you ever take your date to McDonalds?: no Would you rather lie on a first date to get ahead or be honest?: absolute honesty, no matter what Are you a virgin?: nope Do you think your first time is supposed to be magical?: in theory, ofcourse, but no, not really If you aren't a virgin would you go back and change it?: I can easily say, no, I would not When I say......you say purple: Samantha Boys: kisses Thong: why? God: love Love: forever Him: gone That thing: probably needs to be washed again Life: much too short Tomorow: is coming too quickly Taxes: making me wait Bill Clinton: no comment George Bush: will be leaving soon South Park: don't watch Family Guy: funnier than I want people to know Angelina Jolie: doesn't care what people think 12: dozen 25: cents 420: I'm too old for that to be funny anymore Lollipop: least favorite candy Girls: grow up way too soon Amazing: stupendous Animals: need to be protected Water: is all I drink all day Picnic: romantic Family: crazy, but loving I love: Elvis chicken: southern fried Food: spoiled Soda: 40 grams of sugar What is: the time:: 5:23pm the date:: February 24, 2008 How Many Siblings:: 2 pair of shoes:: Too many to count. Phones in your house:: 2 Best friends:: 1 T shirts:: 2 or 3 in good condition, too many that I can relax in Stuffed Animals:: none here, but they're all at the folks' place Thimes have you been inlove:: 2 poems have you written:: Too many to count. People have you kissed other than family:: Lots. Sodas do you drink in a day:: none Necklaces do you own:: too many to count The last: Dream you had:: it was about my baby niece and black pepper? Lie you told :: I don't remember. IM:: I don't remember. Text message:: I don't remember. phone call:: Sylvia place you went:: church thing you did:: made lunch while watching "Major League" person you lied to:: I don't remember. wish you made:: for more time thing you thought:: that I have to go to the bathroom annoyance:: my developing headache time you played truth or dare:: Years ago. Person you thought about:: Elvis Fought with your parents: I don't remember. More more more I admire: people who are strong enough to make it on their own I love: quiet music I want: to go downstairs I do: want another cup of tea I did: look pretty cute today I tried: to start my new journal I drank: only warm liquids today I ate: veggie-burgers because they were cheap and quick I said: nothing I dried because: it was raining I lied to: I can't remember I wished that: I could start my weekend all over again I wanted to do: a lot more than I actually got done I cant believe that: this survey takes 3 hours What color is: your tongue:: pink your foot:: caucasian your lips:: pink your face:: Caucasian colored. your arm:: Caucasian colored. your hair:: brown your best friends eyes:: hazel your mom:: Caucasian colored. your dad:: Caucasian colored. your shirt:: black your shoes:: Not wearing any. your sockz:: black your pants/shorts:: black Your blanket:: mint green pillow case:: mint green T.V.:: silver Couch:: olive Room:: sky blue painted walls, bare floor, and white curtains Living room:: beige carpet, dark drapes, and the walls are sorta-peach Grandma:: Caucasian colored. Car:: burgundy School:: they were blue and yellow Toes:: silver Grass:: snow-covered Trash can:: black Moms room:: white walls, cinnamon drapes and cinnamon carpeting Siblings room(just say one):: He painted his walls red, he has bare floors, and no curtains (just a blind right now) Boyfriend/girlfriends room:: n/a